ReEntry Entry #4

It's been almost 6 months since I got back from Cameroon. I'm starting to miss parts of it more. The simplicity mostly. I actually kind of miss being a have-not in some ways. I feel like my life is cushy and I'm going soft here in the States. As frustrating as it was to not have access to things that would make life easier, there was something really gratifying in being able to improvise or compromise. Another thing that I miss is waking up and knowing that I'd probably see something I'd never seen before. No longer do I get to see people riding on top of tractor trailer's stacked way over their safe height. No longer do Muslim ranchers drive cows past my house. No longer do I get to attend open air markets (stressful though they were - I don't miss being catcalled). These days I still look forward to seeing something I don't every day, but those moments are less frequent here than in Africa. I also really miss the gym I worked out at and all the characters there. That place in and of itself was a people-watching treat.
 Tonight I decided to write after starting to listen to some of the Cameroonian songs that were popular while I was over there. Due to my studies I haven't been able to do a whole lot of French practice, but I was really surprised when I started listening to one of the songs and was able to get the gist of what it was saying! For the record, the meaning is rather unsavory. My memories of Cameroon are fading a lot faster than I wish they would, but I am so glad that I kept a daily journal. Of all the things I didn't do that the SM office recommended I do, I'm glad this one wasn't it! Another thing that took me back to thinking of my African home was that I received an email today from Mission 360 magazine saying that one of the stories I sent in will be published in February 2017's issue. Keep an eye out for it!

ReEntry Entry 3

It's one week shy of being 1 year since I first made it to Cameroon. In one week I will be facing starting my junior year of college the next Monday (part of the reason I'm writing this the week I am, I expect I'll be pretty busy next week!) I still remember getting off the plane and wondering what am I getting myself into? One year older, one year wiser, I do realize what I got myself into. It was another year of life, but it was a year that is nothing like any of the other 21 that I've been through. When returned SM's say they learned more in their year as an SM than they ever did in one year of school, I can definitely identify. I experienced all the ins and outs of near total independence (in a third world country this has some ramifications above and beyond cooking for oneself). A lot of things after returning have started to fall into place. I did grow as a person. I did get great, relevant experience in a field similar to what I intend to pursue as a career. I did learn how to take care of myself when I was hungry, sick, lost, lonely, an ethnic minority, and didn't know the language. I did fill out endless paperwork without going insane. Well not totally insane at least.

One reason I'm so excited to be back in Walla Walla is to network with some other returned SM's. Every former SM I talked to before embarking on the trip told me how great of a time they had and how much it strengthened their spirituality. To be 100% candid, I had essentially the opposite experience with my spiritual journey. Some of that's probably on me, I could have done more to cultivate my faith, but I questioned God, my purpose, and life in general more that year than I can ever remember. I suppose that's a healthy thing to do, but I still find myself waiting on some answers. It seems to me that the post-mission support is very strong at WWU and I'm hoping for that to come in handy as I communicate/commiserate with other returned SM's. Obviously I can't hope all of that will magically be fixed just by relocating myself to a college campus, but I also doubt I'm a unique case.

Bottom line, I think the next step in my journey is something that I hope to develop throughout this next schoolyear. I want my prayer to be (and if you want to pray this for me too, I would appreciate it) that, looking back on that chapter of my life, I won't see it all as something I did all by myself, but that I will look back and see God helping me through all of it. Not only that, but this entire experience wasn't ever supposed to be about me, but about helping others. I still struggle with feeling like I made a lick of difference there, but it comes full circle pretty fast when I remind myself that helping others for my gratification is still intrinsically about me, and I need to just let that go. I was willing and able-bodied and now I need to trust that God did the rest.

To at least end on a happy note, in rereading my 2nd reentry entry, I recognize that I'm now in a generally happier state of mind than I was 2 months ago. I have seen most of my friends, and everything seems to be returning back to "normal" in some ways. I would say that I've essentially reintegrated as far as I can tell, at least superficially.

ReEntry Entry #2

It's been just over 2 months since I got back to the States. It's kind of the same feeling I had after my first 2 months in Africa - the honeymoon stage is over. The novelty of eating good ice cream and having a fridge has worn off, but like a blurry image coming into focus, the longer I'm back, the more perspective I've gained on my experience in Cameroon. It's still not totally clear, but I'm finding I can articulate more easily the things I miss and the merits of my experiences over there. I'm becoming increasingly content with the amount of stuff I DID get to do, even though I spent an inordinate amount of time twiddling my thumbs too. The more I've talked to people about it, the more I've realized that I got to do some pretty neat stuff at the hospital that I couldn't have anywhere else really. Of course I would have liked to do more of the hands on stuff like starting IV's and giving injections, but I definitely came to the realization that a big chunk of a physician's career is spent doing the menial stuff: Paperwork, repetitive examinations, diagnoses, and writing prescriptions to name a few things. I heard a saying that I wish I had heard in Africa, and it goes something like this: Even if your job is tasting pies, you're gonna taste a bad pie every now and then. Not sure if that would have helped me feel better while I was IN the situation, but it sure seems applicable to me now! Another thing that's helped is the job I have now I'm getting a ton of shadowing and hands-on experience. It's keeping me steadily busy which is a nice change. I'm really grateful to have the job, and I feel like I'm making up for lost time and slowly stretching my mind back into shape.


Speaking of being busy, that's one thing I don't feel like I've completely gotten used to yet back here. Life is up and down as usual, but I feel like I was riding a bike over rolling hills in Cameroon, and when I got back home I'm now riding a pogo stick in an earthquake. The summer has been simultaneously great, awful, relaxing, stressful, and many other adjectives. I mean in 8 weeks of being back I've gone skydiving, celebrated my brother's graduation, coughed for 4 weeks and been diagnosed with bronchitis, attended 5 baseball games (checking off numbers 6 and 7 next week), lost 5 pounds, driven thousands of miles, hugged hundreds of friends and relatives, lost a good friend, sold a car, and worked full time for the last 6 weeks. I don't have the feeling of control I vaguely remember having pre-Africa. It seems like things are progressing so quickly and I don't really have time to process it all. I was feeling overwhelmed, out of place, and frankly a little beaten down recently. It took me until a few days ago to recall "Oh yeah, I just got back from the other side of the world. That must be why I'm feeling kinda off". The good news is that I'm pretty sure this is all normal. They don't mess around when they say it's harder to reintegrate in your own culture than it is to get used to another one. I catch myself wishing things would be more like they were before I left. I don't think it's "things" that's changed though, it's been me. I kinda hope the general feeling of gnawing discontent goes away though, it's pretty crummy. I think that right now I yearn for the old normal, and eventually my present reality will become the new normal. Being an SM was "life changing" that's for sure!


Just within the past week or so I've had flashbacks from Africa which is new. I'll imagine myself jogging across the street with a bag full of groceries or hailing a taxi, pretty mundane stuff but what strikes me is the color. These memories have such vivid amounts of color, the perpetual green of the jungle plants , the day-glo yellow taxis driving up and down the road, the blue sky that is almost eclipsed by the sheer size of Mt. Cameroon in the backdrop. The reddish dirt, black rocks, and even the multicolored garbage on the roadside sticks pretty clearly in my mind. I remember Cameroon being so colorful, which would have struck me as hilarious if you told me while I was there that I would be remembering the color later on. The suppressed painter in me (VERY suppressed - I'm a horrendous painter) really longs to see colors so intense again. Anyway, I still miss the gym, I still miss the excuse (and the time) to study and practice French, and I still don't miss the food that much.

Taking the Long Way Home

This entry is going to be more pictures than anything, but I've finally had time to sit down and write something after being home nearly 1 week. Unpacking has been a little tough to be motivated for since there's so much going on here, but I've finished finally. On my way home I stopped in Paris for 4 days, the pictures are documenting that trip (I have about 250 pictures, but I picked the 20 or so best ones). Since I've been home it's almost as if I never left. I'm still a little awestruck when I go to a grocery store and realize that there's more choices on one aisle than in most stores in Buea, and everything here seems a little expensive...    I spent enough on one banana in LAX to buy me about 25 in Cameroon. Airport food is kind of a rip off anyway, but that's beside the point. Also I'm really enjoying having a washing machine and fridge at my disposal. At any rate, on to the photos.

Sacre Coeur basilica. Pretty cool on the outside, crowded on the inside.

I stayed in the 19th arrondisement near the canal which was a really neat area

Gare St. Lazare. Just had a cool platform so I snapped a photo

Place des Vosges - Oldest planned square in Paris. Former neighborhood of Victor Hugo. Square trees and identical houses all the way around calmed the dormant OCD in me.

The dome above Napoleon's tomb

Napoleon is somewhere inside that big brown box

Right after a snack/picnic of bread and cheese in the grass

First time I've seen the Statue of Liberty (funny enough, it wasn't the one in the States...)

View from the Arc de Triomphe. Best view of the Paris skyline in my opinion

Louvre courtyard

My favorite thing in the Louvre. Count the legs!

Stained glass "rose window" inside the Notre Dame cathedral

Selfie sticks are finally getting the attention they deserve

Absolutely stunning stained glass in Sainte Chappelle. Picture is a poor representation of the grandeur. Interesting stories about this place in WWII. They took all the glass down and hid it in a basement to protect from bombings.

The iconic polar bear of the Musee D'Orsay

Formerly a train station. Great ambient lighting for the numerous sculptures there.

The Catacombs. Little boring after a while, but I went and saw old bones.

Jardin de Luxembourg. Quite a nice manicured garden, complete with tennis courts, a palace, and overpriced crepes

Adieu, Cameroon

Well, this is going to be my last regular blog post. On Sunday I fly out of Douala, with a layover in Addis, to Dublin. From Dublin I will take a 5 day detour to Paris, which I'm extremely excited about. After that I will return to Dublin and catch a flight to LAX, then SFO. It will be good to be back on American soil, that's for sure.

I've got a short list so far of what I'll miss in Cameroon. Most if it is pretty abstract. I am still so excited to be home that thinking of concrete and menial things that I'll miss is pretty hard, but I'm sure the realizations will come. I could write a real long list of things I don't miss, but I don't think that would be quite as constructive of an exercise, and it might taint the view that you, my audience, hold of me. At any rate, I'll stick with the positive parts of my experience here.

I will definitely miss the vibe at the weightlifting gym that I frequent 2-3 times/week. It's frustrating and crowded sometimes, but the place is so alive and busy, I think every weight room from now on will feel eerily lonely and empty, and almost institutionally clean. This gym isn't state-of-the-art by American standards, but it has character that I never thought a simple weight room could have. And the other people that fill the place just add to that character.

I am going to miss having the excuse, motivation, and most of all, the time to learn French. One great thing about being in Cameroon is that I have no shortage of time. I just have a shortage of things to fill that time with. Exercise is an integral part of my life wherever I go, but learning French is something that I wouldn't necessarily have dedicated myself to so seriously if I hadn't come here. Furthermore, I really really really hope I will have the determination in the future to stick with it and continue improving, not throwing away all that I've spent this time to learn.

Yes, I have sat and twiddled my thumbs for an inordinate amount of time here, but I have also had some opportunities to do things that I never would have been able to do in the States. Gee, that's vague. Let me expound: Watching ultrasounds, watching a baby be born, watching a circumcision, starting IV's, injecting medications, prescribing medications (with a doctor's approval), climbing the tallest active volcano in Africa, swimming in the Atlantic on the "west coast" at a black sand beach, seeing a naked guy walk unimpeded (by clothes or otherwise) down the street, eating a mango straight from the tree, seeing snails the size of a baseball, buying a week's worth of groceries for $10, and sitting in a 15 passenger van with 25 people in it. New things will happen in my life no matter where I am, but this "flavor" of unexpected surprises will be something that I will never really get again. Sure, these highlights were punctuations in hours of bang-your-head-against-the-wall boredom, but the highlights are what I'm gonna remember most.

While I won't miss it directly, I think the inefficiency and incompetence here will be something I'm acutely cognizant of when it's gone. Yes, it's a huge inconvenience, but I almost feel like the incredulity and dumfoundedness I experience almost daily is going to leave a hole when I don't have it anymore. I'm used to waking up each day and trying to guess what the dumbest thing I'll see or hear about will be, and yet...   I'm still always surprised. Maybe that makes jaded, but I really think that having something (or someone) to laugh about/at has helped me through this experience. Besides, it's teaching me to laugh it off, try to make the best of the situation, and  not sweat the small stuff.

I know most people find freedom of choice to be a life or death matter, but I've learned here that sometimes there's freedom in not having to make a choice. For instance I can pretty much only ever have 1-ply toilet paper here (Although two weeks ago I had a choice between pink or white). I don't have to choose the temperature of my shower, it's always chilly. There's one brand of chocolate here (you can find other candy bars, but for pure chocolate you get Mambo or you get nothing). I mean it's nice to be able to choose, but if my memory of the first world serves me correctly, there is an overload of viable choices (excluding our presidential "candidates"). Soap, shampoo, conditioner, "face soap with exfoliating beads". Sudoku or crossword puzzle. Cheerios and milk or granola and yogurt. Pandora or Spotify. Flip flops or wingtips. Whose car I'll drive. And then I gotta actually leave the house! Usually at the store I just pick whatever's the cheapest per serving, but I think the other decisions are gonna be hard for a while.

On the concrete side, I'll miss these small, lifechanging snacks called chin-chin. These little deep fried, sweet golden wonton chips of joy can't truly be appreciated until they're experienced. The flavor is most closely related to animal crackers, but they're so much more than that to me. I'm sure a recipe could be found online, but I think there's a secret ingredient that's closely guarded by some ancient African witchy woman.

Continuing with the tangible stuff, of course I will miss a number of my coworkers. The workplace is so much more interesting with all the different personalities, and I think each of my colleagues has brought a little something into my life and/or taught me something new whether I realize it or not. I think one thing that I'll miss is that any time I wear shorts and a t-shirt, people here at the hospital will ask me if I'm going to "make sport" (their funny way of saying exercise), and me explaining and reexplaining that, no, this is just the way I dress. I guess it's an honest mistake because sometimes I actually am going to "make sport", so it could be a little confusing. Following this logic though, I should go around asking everyone in blue jeans if they're going to "prospect gold", and everyone wearing flip-flops if they're headed to "make shower".

Even though it's ephemeral, I'll miss the view of the mountain. Most days it's not that good, but when it's good, it's great. Cameroon has very little to offer as far as wildlife viewing, and I'm still disappointed that the biggest "game" I've seen was a chihuahua sized rodent (so much for my aspirations of seeing elephants, giraffes, and zebras). On the other hand, as a closet bird-watcher I've found the avian life here to be pretty diverse and different than what I'm used to. I brought binoculars, but no field guide unfortunately. Next time I come to Africa I won't be caught with my pants around my ankles though, I'll  be better prepared.

Will I miss Cameroon? Parts, yes. Will I be back someday? Maybe. Did I have a good time? Yeah. Did I have a bad time? Yeah, that too. Was it really the hardest thing I've ever done? Not by most definitions of "hard". Did God put me here for a reason? I wish I knew the reason, but I have to believe the answer is "Undoubtedly".

TL;DR Leaving Sunday morning. Douala>Addis Ababa>Dublin>Paris>Dublin>Los Angeles>SFO. Will take the scenic route home through Paris! Looking forward to practicing my French. Abridged list of things I'll miss: Time on my hands, workout vibes, certain opportunities (although few and far between), the ridiculous stuff I see every day, some of the people, some of the views.

Quittin' Time

Today I logged my last day of regular work here at the hospital. As of today I will never have to write a single letter in that registration book again. The relief is indescribable. I think this Sunday is going to be a general cleaning of the operating room to get it prepared for use, so I might volunteer for that.  One of my coworkers just kind of casually mentioned that now that I'm done working I'm just a tourist. I had never thought about it like that, but he's definitely right! Also, a few people have actually told me that they're gonna miss me. I'm not sure if they're just being polite but it really made me feel good to know that they'll at least notice that I'm gone. I was a little unsure there for a while if anyone even cared that I was here, but it looks like maybe there are a few.

Yesterday I learned that Cameroon observes Cinco de Mayo. Actually it was Ascension day so it's just nationally observed so that everyone can go to their mid-day mass. Even though our staff is predominantly Adventist, a lot of people were late or didn't show up. Far be it from them to refuse a day off! I showed up because I'm a sucker and didn't know it was a holiday. We spent most of the day with a slow trickle of patients. After learning it was Ascension Day, I took an extended lunch break and did a little ascension of my own, up the hill to the grocery store. It was such a beautiful day yesterday that I had to get out and enjoy it some. It was partly cloudy, probably low 30s, and with a breeze so the humidity wasn't as bad. The mountain was in clear view. A 30 minute walk up the hill did me good.

You know, I'm just gonna come right out and confess: I've had phone anxiety for most of my life. I think everyone is a little bit this way, and I don't get really nervous unless I'm making a call to someone I don't know, or someone who is a notorious mumbler. Cameroon has made this problem 100x worse than it was before. First of all, the call quality is a dumpster fire. I would be better off using two tin cans connected by a string. Which would also be nice because of point number two: You pay for every second of call time. Each and every time I have to ask someone to repeat themselves, it's burning through my phone credit. Phone credit is one of the more expensive things here, and you don't get what you pay for (see point 1). The third and final grievance is simple user error. I've gotten a lot better at understanding the accents here,  but I've also learned how much I rely on lip reading to do so. When I'm on the phone, this technique doesn't exactly work. Additionally, there's nowhere you can go in Buea where there won't be a ton of background noise (that's another story though). The last thing is that if you ask someone to repeat themselves enough times, they will remove the phone from their ear, place the receiver about 1 mm from their mouth, and yell as loudly as they can (regardless of who's around or how small a space they're in). This is counterintuitive because yelling into the phone that close to your mouth is the best way to ensure that the other person won't have a prayer of understanding what you're saying. Fortunately, I see people talking in this fashion all the time, so I think I'm in good company when it comes to asking "Could you say that one more time?" For every ounce more phone shy I've gotten, I've found that I'm equally less pee shy at least! People go when and wherever they please. I've even been confronted mid-stream by someone saying I couldn't pee where I was currently peeing. I politely stared them in the eye and smiled as I finished the job, and while zipping up I offhandedly mentioned that it must be the only place in Cameroon where peeing is not allowed.

There's a running joke with me and the Cameroonian nurses here. One day after I was thoroughly tired of being badgered about marrying a Cameroonian and taking her back to the States with me, I said that I couldn't afford two plane tickets back to the States, so I would gladly marry one but she would have to take one of the sketchy big canoes across the Atlantic and meet me in New York. They all thought this was pretty funny, so now that I'm about to leave some of them have been joking to me about buying their boat ticket to New York. I don't want to toot my own horn, but I think making a joke out of it was a pretty good idea because now both sides can appreciate it cropping up in conversation. Before I always cringed and avoided, and dreaded the eventual accusation of only liking white girls. I mean I ain't blind, I've seen beautiful girls here, but my short life has taught me that you can find as many 10s as you want, but if your common ground is a 1, things will suck. There's just such a disparity between my background and a Cameroonian's. So now I just tell people that if a girl can swim or owns a good life jacket that I'm down. I'm still dodging around the questions, but now at least it makes them laugh.

TL;DR My work here is done. Yesterday I had a semi-holiday to celebrate Ascension day/Cinco de Mayo. Talking on the phone here has given me a complex, but Cameroon has increased my ability to brazenly pee anywhere I please. I'm bring back a few souvenirs but a shiny new wife is not one of them, much to the dismay of many eligible ladies here.

 Not sure why they have to overcomplificate things so much, but I suspect they're using fancy jargon to get customers to spring for a muffler bearing flush. Either that or George Bush wrote this sign.

Another One for the History Books

Well the week has been pretty mediocre. Last weekend I had nothing to do. I went to church which was hot, long, and uncomfortable. Sunday I had no plans so I decided to try and see if I could do 1000 pushups in a day. Got it done in just over 5 hours. The workweek saw me filling in more of the book. One might ask what the girl who came to replace me is doing. I honestly don't know. The hospital has a tendency of hiring people even when they don't have a use for them (which is probably how I ended up here, but that's not the point). Anyway, she is still around and spends a lot of time in the drug storeroom. Neither of us are very busy. Yesterday I taught her how to do sudoku and I think I've created a monster. After I helped her with two, I told her to look some up online or download an app for her phone. She was super excited about it, and it was cool to be able to teach somebody something new and have them respond so positively.  Another highlight of the week was subbing for the pharmacist for 3 hours. The pharmacy wasn't busy, but I got to sit in a more comfortable chair for a while! The good news is that as of today, I have 5 days of work left. I figure I can handle anything for just 5 days. Well, kinda 5 days. As I was quietly chanting TGIF to myself, the head nurse informed me that he wants me to come in on Sunday to help do a report. Not wild about that idea but he said it's gonna take only an hour. So I'll help for an hour. But I'm leaving after that whether it's done or not! There are 2 weeks left until I head out, and I told the admin staff some time ago that I want my last week here off so I can pack, get rid of the stuff in my apartment, buy some last minute souvenirs, say goodbye to people, and do some final planning for my visit to Paris on the way home. It probably won't take an entire week to do these things, but I'd rather have too much time than not enough. Plus, now that I'm back on book duty I'm really glad I asked for that last week off.

I've watched a handful of ultrasounds this past week, and I also attended a 7am staff meeting that almost became a fistfight. That was...     unique. I wasn't even going to go to the meeting since I'm leaving soon and it started an hour earlier than work usually starts, but I figured it was my last chance to go to one and it might be interesting. I wasn't disappointed! People really like harboring grudges around here, and then they dig them all up and unload on each other during staff meetings. As a completely uninvolved party, it didn't seem like much progress was made in this fashion, but it was a little excitement to start the day off. The rest of the day was pretty tense! It's funny (and when I say funny I mean distressing), these people are very quick to forget the good things that come their way but when someone does them wrong they carry it to their grave (which might be in the near future if things escalate too far!) I feel like I'm pretty good about letting stuff go and staying neutral when it comes to workplace drama, but seeing these ugly grudge matches here is a poignant lesson to me to stay determined to let things roll off my back. I've gotten pretty good at taking a deep breath, counting to 10, asking myself how important this will be in 5 years (or even months or days). Gotta pick your battles!

The weather has been pretty nice this past week. We had one day where it rained for 2 hours really hard, and another cloudy day, but otherwise I'm not convinced that the rainy season is on its way. I was under the impression that by now it would be stormy and stuff. Guess not! I'm still really enjoying being able to keep track of the Giant's games. Usually they're in the middle of the night so I just watch highlights the next day, but every so often one happens at a reasonable time and I'll keep tabs on it. Between that and working out at the gym, it makes the time pass a lot quicker!

I've started to think that I've had a backwards experience here. Just from what I've picked up from my SM peers, it seems that most of them started out pretty homesick and weirded out by the place, and now as the time comes they're sad to leave. For me I was the opposite. I showed up and was stoked about all the new experiences and didn't worry about home so much. But as my time to leave approaches, I am quite sufficiently ready. That's not to say I won't miss some aspects of Cameroon, but I don't feel like I have a whole lot of reason to stick around. I've pretty much seen all there is to see, done all there is to do, and I'm ready to move on. At this point, the list of things I'm excited to do when I get home is a lot longer than the list of things I'll miss here. I tend to spend more time thinking about the future than the past, so maybe I come by that honestly. And I'll probably realize more of the things I miss about here once I'm actually home and can't access them anymore. Definitely the few friends I've made here will be one of the things I miss, and I guess the view of the mountain is nice, but specifics are a little hard to think of right now. I almost wonder if I'll have any reentry shock. My understanding is that reentry shock is mostly due to needing some closure. I think for me, getting on the plane at the airport will be plenty of closure. I mean, yeah, driving myself around, not getting stared at and called "white man", having air conditioning, a fridge, and a washing machine will be a novelty for like a month, but I'm not sure it's gonna be too jarring. And I don't think that's going to negatively impact my general outlook on life. Course I'll be jetlagged too for a day or two as well, but after the initial exhaustion wears off it's just going to be a week of being hungry at odd times and having to pee in the middle of the night. But that already happens to me so I won't be any worse off!

TL;DR Lightning round of weeks highlights: 1000 pushups in a day, ultrasounds, lots of book filling, sudoku teaching, staff drudging up grudges, subbing in the pharmacy. Other stuff covered this entry: The weather (fine), the Giants (great), and my thoughts on leaving Cameroon (I'm ready)