ReEntry Entry 3

It's one week shy of being 1 year since I first made it to Cameroon. In one week I will be facing starting my junior year of college the next Monday (part of the reason I'm writing this the week I am, I expect I'll be pretty busy next week!) I still remember getting off the plane and wondering what am I getting myself into? One year older, one year wiser, I do realize what I got myself into. It was another year of life, but it was a year that is nothing like any of the other 21 that I've been through. When returned SM's say they learned more in their year as an SM than they ever did in one year of school, I can definitely identify. I experienced all the ins and outs of near total independence (in a third world country this has some ramifications above and beyond cooking for oneself). A lot of things after returning have started to fall into place. I did grow as a person. I did get great, relevant experience in a field similar to what I intend to pursue as a career. I did learn how to take care of myself when I was hungry, sick, lost, lonely, an ethnic minority, and didn't know the language. I did fill out endless paperwork without going insane. Well not totally insane at least.

One reason I'm so excited to be back in Walla Walla is to network with some other returned SM's. Every former SM I talked to before embarking on the trip told me how great of a time they had and how much it strengthened their spirituality. To be 100% candid, I had essentially the opposite experience with my spiritual journey. Some of that's probably on me, I could have done more to cultivate my faith, but I questioned God, my purpose, and life in general more that year than I can ever remember. I suppose that's a healthy thing to do, but I still find myself waiting on some answers. It seems to me that the post-mission support is very strong at WWU and I'm hoping for that to come in handy as I communicate/commiserate with other returned SM's. Obviously I can't hope all of that will magically be fixed just by relocating myself to a college campus, but I also doubt I'm a unique case.

Bottom line, I think the next step in my journey is something that I hope to develop throughout this next schoolyear. I want my prayer to be (and if you want to pray this for me too, I would appreciate it) that, looking back on that chapter of my life, I won't see it all as something I did all by myself, but that I will look back and see God helping me through all of it. Not only that, but this entire experience wasn't ever supposed to be about me, but about helping others. I still struggle with feeling like I made a lick of difference there, but it comes full circle pretty fast when I remind myself that helping others for my gratification is still intrinsically about me, and I need to just let that go. I was willing and able-bodied and now I need to trust that God did the rest.

To at least end on a happy note, in rereading my 2nd reentry entry, I recognize that I'm now in a generally happier state of mind than I was 2 months ago. I have seen most of my friends, and everything seems to be returning back to "normal" in some ways. I would say that I've essentially reintegrated as far as I can tell, at least superficially.